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July 2, 2002
Last summer I counted the number of days that Liz "The Grappler" Windsor, Canada's then head of state, had actually stayed in the country since she was sworn in. The number was pathetically unimpressive: 192 days (this includes rounding days up, and stopovers in Gander). It was pretty obvious that our ruler really didn't care about Canada at all, and viewed our country as an unworthy colony.

Somebody had to do something.

That afternoon I decided to issue and unusual challenge to our absentee landlord. Lizzy could choose between either a kickboxing match or a math test (no geometry), to be held at the venue of her choice, with the prize being the crown of Canada. While the choice of battles might seem unusual, it was actually chosen for her benefit; I suck at math and have broken my right ankle twice (see X-ray), so the scales were definitely tipped in her favor. All she had to do was show up and prove she thought Canada was worth fighting for. The deadline was set for midnight, July 1, 2002; that date has arrived and passed with no word from Buckingham Palace, so she has forfeited her right to be monarch of Canada.

As such, I will be assuming the role of head of state effective immediately. My first act as King of Canada (think Al Waxman on a grander scale…) will be to humanize the monarchy. Bowing, kneeing, and other acts of submission are no longer part of the protocol when dealing with your head of state. Additionally, the head of state is no longer to be addressed as "your highness". Rather, Canadians should feel free to address their new ruler as "kingy-o", "grand poobah", "boss man", "crowny", or "throne boy", or "Shane". [Please note, "Shaney" is not acceptable...]

Over the next few days I will be announcing my pick for Canada's new Governor-General. This lucky person will be picked from entrants in the "Queen Victoria was so ugly" contest.

As your new ruler, I will dedicate myself to moving Canada toward a truly democratic society by removing the outdated and morally reprehensible institution of the monarchy.

I'll also be banning the sale of thong swimsuits over the size of 8.

Stay tuned for more!